36 Questions to Fall in Love: The Mirror, our version for two

Where the idea comes from

In 1997, the psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues published a study on how closeness between two people can be created on purpose. Two people who had never met took turns asking each other increasingly personal questions, split into three sets. In 2015, an essay in the New York Times brought the method to a huge audience, and "the 36 questions to fall in love" became famous far beyond the lab.

The idea that travelled so far is a simple one: people grow closer by opening up in stages, a little more with each round.

Why we turned it around

That method was designed for strangers. In a couple who already share a life, telling your story doesn't surprise anyone much. You know each other's big stories; you've heard most of them more than once. What you know far less well is how your partner sees you.

The Mirror keeps the three rounds and the slow climb towards intimacy, but flips the principle. You don't tell your own story here. You guess each other's. Every question is about the person reading it, and it's the other person who answers on their behalf. A right answer says "I know you." A wrong one opens a conversation you would never have had otherwise. Both are worth having.

We wrote all 36 questions ourselves. None of them comes from the study.

How to play

One phone, two people sitting close enough to pass it back and forth. Add your first names if you'd like.

• Whoever is holding the phone reads the question out loud. It's a question about them: "What do you think is the meal that rescues my worst days?"
• The other person answers for them, as if looking into a mirror. Don't play it safe: the first answer that comes to mind is often the right one.
• The reader says whether that's right, then gives the real answer, and the story behind it.
• Right answer: one point to whoever guessed. Half right? The reader decides.
• Pass the phone and swap roles.
• You can always skip a question, no explanation needed.

There are three rounds of twelve. The first is about tastes, and the small things that say a lot. The second is about what usually goes unsaid. The third, on Playful, moves towards desire and stops at the bedroom door.

To finish, forget the score for a moment. Each of you says out loud one thing you found out about the other tonight.

What the game brings up

The early questions look light. Which song do you sing when you're sure nobody can hear? Which city would you vanish to for a week? Yet guessing right takes a kind of attention that everyday life slowly wears down. And guessing wrong means learning something new about someone you thought you knew by heart.

The second round goes towards what people keep to themselves: the compliment that lands harder than they let on, the small fear hidden behind a joke. The third turns up the heat: the look that makes you want to lock the door, the midday text that would make you drop everything. Nothing points a finger, nothing sounds like a relationship review. The questions open things up; they don't go digging.

The best moments often come when an answer is wrong, but only just. That's when you see what your partner has picked up about you, and what slipped past them.

Setting up the evening

• Pick a night with no clock to watch and no phone about to ring.
• Sit face to face, close enough for your knees to touch.
• One round a night works beautifully too.
• Save the third round for when the house has gone quiet.

Ways to play it differently

Long distance, over video. Start a video call with the page open on one side only. When it's your partner's turn, read them their question: they say it back out loud, and you answer for them. On camera, there's no hiding a moment of hesitation.

On a road trip. Whoever isn't driving holds the phone and reads for both of you, the same way. The first two rounds are perfect for the open road. Keep the third for when you arrive.

On a weekend away. One round on Friday night, one on Saturday, the last on Sunday. Carry the score over from one night to the next: a rematch is half the fun.

For a more playful night, try Truth or dare, or Who's more likely to, where you also find out how your partner sees you. For the full story of the study, what it found and what it never claimed, read the 36 questions to fall in love: what the study really found.

And afterwards

This free game stops at Playful. The Dareling app keeps Spicy and Scorching cards for couples who want to carry the evening on differently, always with a safe word chosen first. The daily Dare sends one card a day that you each answer on your own phone, and the Book keeps the memory of what you've told each other. Everything starts without an account, in a few seconds.

The Dareling magazine has more reading for your nights in.